Roses, bunkbeds, and right/left confusion
Since I don’t have anything going on in my life to talk about, I’ll regale you all with a recap of last night’s debut of the most trashtastic TV show ever, Bachelor Pad! I can feel your excitement emanating through time and space and intrawebs!
To start, for those of you with taste and integrity living under a rock, here’s what this show is all about: You know the Bachelor and Bachelorette, right? Gather a bunch of fame-whoring (allegedly) single guys and have one chick slowly eliminate them until she’s found her (alleged) prince charming. Or, vice versa, a bunch of fame-whoring wannabe models and have one guy slowly eliminate them until he’s found his (alleged) ho fo’ sho. But what happens to all of those rejects deemed not marriage material? They still want to be famous damnit; don’t they deserve more than five minutes of fame? ABC says, “YES!” And thus they’ve created an epic tornado of unemployed scantily clad reality rejects who will reside under one roof (and sleeping in one room!) until they vote each other off, one by one, the final victor winning $250,000 (and possibly an STD along the way!). It’s American (and Canadian!) TV at its finest. Now let’s delve into episode number one, shall we?
Our fearless host, Chris Harrison, greets us warmly at the door of the now famed Bachelor Mansion (aiming to rival the Playboy Mansion for number of lascivious activities it’s hosted), telling us that we’re about to embark on a journey, and let’s begin that journey now. I felt Beau cringing from several towns away.
We’re introduced to our cock-sure band of rejects one-by-one, being told, as they come, their name, age, what season they were kicked off of, and perhaps any pertinent details (aka who’s hooked up with whom, as it seems ABC finds it somehow worthwhile to encourage group vacations among its reality TV losers, thus 99% of these people have already met, slept together, and are seeking the same script for antibiotics).
There are no real surprises. Cast members are chosen especially based on who’s apt to bring the most drama. Thus it’s no shocker to find both Wes (ugly/evil country singer from Jillian’s season who secretly had a girlfriend the entire time) and Michelle (psycho from Jake’s (Jason’s? Who can keep track) season who was clearly one step away from boiling rabbits).
The only real head-scratchers were two women from seasons so long ago, not only did none of the other cast members know who they were, but one of these women refused to even state her age (which means, clearly, that she’s something embarrassingly ancient like 34).
Naturally, my favourite, Douchey McCanadian Douche, is being set up as the real villain of the show, so much so that within the first hour, all of the girls decided that when it came to elimination time (girls vote off a boy; boys vote off a girl), they were giving him the ax. Poor Douchey with his fabulous hair; he never did anything to them. They were probably just jealous that they can’t get that kind of volume no matter how many styling products they use.
The real irony, of course, is that Douchey’s only crime is being douchey. (And making fun of the Weatherman, but c’mon — have you seen that pointy midget? His sole purpose on the show is to be mocked. Douchey’s just being open and honest. And funny.) Meanwhile, there’s Wes who’s not only a douche, but a cheater and a liar. Same for Juan (who, coming in at 37, is a veritable geriatric on this show, but he’s a man, so that’s okay). And Jesse. And probably more of the guys who just haven’t come out of the cheating closet yet (but there’s a whole season ahead of us!). But poor sociopathic Douchey? He gets villainized! It’s just not fair, I tell you!
Thankfully, miracle of miracles, Douchey won the immunity challenge (I don’t think you can call yourself a trashy reality show unless you have weekly immunity challenges). This meant that not only was he safe from being voted off by judgmental women, but thanks to his prowess at a giant 19-person game of Twister, he also got to go on a date that week with three girls of his choosing. (Though, to be fair, I think that Douchey’s winning of Twister proved, not that he’s more flexible or has more balance than the rest of the group, but that he can tell his right from his left better than the rest of the group. I know I’m not one to talk, but when 80% of the people who lost did so because of a right/left snafu, one has to shake one’s head in sadness for humanity).
Douchey ended up choosing the following women for his date:
- Scotch Tape Face (Chosen because she came in second in Twister, and he felt a kinship there. Also, the men deem her to be the second hottest girl in the house, which I find to be a very telling thing about men: her body is flawless. But her face looks like she did that thing where you take Scotch tape and pull your eyelids up and your nose up and look akin to a facial reconstruction patient).
- Wonky Tits (Chosen because she was the most outspoken about hating him. For no reason. She had a “feeling.” So he was going to win her and her lop-sided boobs over. Of course, joke’s on him, since she’s a raving lunatic).
- Old Chick (Surprise! What?! Shocker! I think he did it to somehow prove that he’s a super nice guy who gives even the sad, unfortunate girls a chance because that’s the kind of warm-hearted guy he is).
Ultimately, *SPOILER ALERT* Juan and Michelle ended up getting voted off. Juan because months before the show, he did something dickish to Average Looking Girl, and she told all the ladies. Michelle because she threatened to kill had a stern conversation with Tenley in which she locked her in the bathroom, called her words not suited for ABC, and all because Tenley told everyone that Michelle hooked up with Douchey. Which, to this moment, we still don’t know if it’s true. Cliffhanger!
Ultimately, I’m sad we lost Michelle so soon. Don’t those dudes know that it’s the psychos who provide the most entertainment? At least I still have my beloved Douchey. My heart yearns for him more and more with every crazy-eyed, perfectly coiffed interview he gives.
And there you have it, kids. Week One of what promises to be a brain cell killing montage of bare skin and cliches. I can’t wait for next week.
August 10, 2010 at 10:53 am
I imagine my understand of this is similar to your understanding of my Rescue Me recaps. In other words, WTF? Is this for real? People DO this? I’m still getting over the shock that they are calling the new Jersey Shore season Jersey Shore and not Gonorrhea and Herpes Take Miami.
August 10, 2010 at 10:54 am
Oh yes, it’s real. It’s realer than real! It’s reality TV.
August 10, 2010 at 10:59 am
Forgot to tellyou. I watched Covert Affairs over the weekend. Christopher Gorman fan RIGHT HERE. Also, her shoes in the episode she goes to Switzerland are great.
August 10, 2010 at 11:06 am
I think the shoes are a funny touch. Like, what CIA trainee can afford Louboutins? Yet it’s obvious that she cherishes them, because she wears them in every episode. I wonder if they’ll have some episode in the future that reveals that they were a gift from her wayward lover and happen to have a GPS tracking device in them and that’s how he keeps tabs on her.
August 10, 2010 at 11:10 am
She does cherish them. When she left them in the hotel room in which she was almost murdered (again), she went back to get them. And to sync the little electronic devices.
I’d like to see her and Auggie hook up. He was in Popular. Have I asked you before? Did you watch Popular when you were a kid?
August 10, 2010 at 1:51 pm
She gets her butt kicked a lot. I think practical footwear would make her a much better agent. The 2 things that stand out to me in that show are
1. her shoes – she has no business running around in them and
2. Amber, Wilson’s dead wife, is her sister and a far better actress. But Amber doesn’t have that mouthy lippy look going for her. Is that how you would describe it? Mouthy lippy?
(Not commenting on bachelor/bachelorette shows. I would if there were more sex and violence.)
August 10, 2010 at 2:00 pm
1. I’m jealous of her pen. It can be used as a flashlight and an explosive device.
2. Anne Dudek? How is Amber? Who is Wilson? Lots of question I have? Yes?
August 10, 2010 at 2:04 pm
I meant girlfriend. Amber is a character on House. She becomes Wilson’s girlfriend and eventually dies in a bus crash. But they don’t show the bus crash. I like bus crashes. Bus crash.
August 10, 2010 at 2:06 pm
Me too.
August 10, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Welcome back! I see you’re also abstaining from commentary on any posts mocking your absence?
August 10, 2010 at 2:37 pm
I’m keeping a lid on the absence mocking page. I’m buttoning it down tight and waiting for the time when I finally go over the edge and decide to waste you all. In a bus crash.
August 10, 2010 at 2:38 pm
WE ONLY DID IT OUT OF LOVE, DAMNIT!
August 10, 2010 at 3:00 pm
You’re not talking your way out of this one.
August 10, 2010 at 3:52 pm
You’re pretty and smart and virile. I’ll make you a Reuben sandwich. I’ll lend you my netbook. I’ll go to the Cape.
August 10, 2010 at 2:10 pm
I like Anne Dudek best in Mad Men. Pregnant chicks who smoke and drink are badass.
August 10, 2010 at 2:15 pm
My mom did that. Accounts for a lot, no?
August 10, 2010 at 11:12 am
If you win an immunity challenge on one of these shows do you get vaccinated?
August 10, 2010 at 11:14 am
You wish.
August 10, 2010 at 11:17 am
I had the wonderful opportunity to catch this show last night in almost all of its 2 hour glory. I feel a very urgent need to discuss how batshit crazy Wonky Tits is, bc it’s insane and yet I’m still worried people may have missed it. Evidence of batshit craziness:
- Decides that she is totally in love with that dude who is also on the show who she hung out with a few times beforehand.
- Tells all the chicks that she loves him but he doesn’t love her back.
- When he says they should play it cool on the show she freaks out.
- She then hates on him to all the other girls.
- She later accuses him of wanting to hook up with other chicks just to win the money when earlier in the show she tried to do that with the douche.
- She then tells him that the girls are all mad and if he wants them to not vote him off he better act affectionate to her and outright say he’s in love with her.
That is batshit crazy! He doesn’t love her so she says he better pretend he does so the other chicks will like him! And the only reason they don’t is bc she is smacktalking! She is crazy!
Sorry I just couldn’t get over it and no one on the show seemed to notice.
August 10, 2010 at 11:24 am
Don’t worry; I noticed it. BIG TIME. I mean, seriously. The chick went from “we hooked up a few times” to “he’s my boyfriend” to “I’m in love with him” to “I’m telling him I love him to his face” in the span of 24 hours. It’s almost impressive.
What is less impressive, however, is Jesse’s inability to see that he’s being played and has the easy option of simply letting the other dudes in on the fact that she’s nuts, and she’d be voted off faster than Michelle’s going to suddenly break back onto the set with a knife and make an appearance next to Tenley’s bed in the middle of the night.
If you ask me, I don’t even think Wonky Tits really likes Jesse. I think she likes manipulating people. Those tears of hers looked pretty fake.
August 10, 2010 at 12:05 pm
I know! It was so sad to see Jesse be like “man I really played that wrong. I should be nice to this chick.” And I was like Noooo! She is crazy! You played it wrong by putting up with her crap! It’s like when I feed my turtle and she’s so busy freaking out that I’m about to feed her that she doesn’t notice when the actual food is floating around her head. It’d be sad if it weren’t so pathetic how dumb she is. Actually that’s a bit harsh to say about Yertle but not about Jesse.
August 10, 2010 at 3:14 pm
And another thing… Why is Big Brother on three nights/wk while Bachelor Pad is relegated to a measly single night? BP is a far juicier trainwreck with much better eye candy. You’d think ABC would capitalize on this advantage and take the opportunity to bury CBS.
August 10, 2010 at 3:46 pm
Big Brother is on 3x a week? Why?
August 10, 2010 at 3:51 pm
I second this confusion. And I will also hypocritically echo Brian’s sentiment about hating reality shows. Except for anything Bachelor-related. But all else can burn under alien lasers.
I remember when Big Brother first came out, and I was reading some article about it in Entertainment Weekly or something, and I thought to myself, “this sounds like the dumbest premise for a show EVER. Who would watch that? It won’t last a whole season.” And this is apparently why I’m not a studio executive.
August 10, 2010 at 3:40 pm
There was a time in my life when I assumed all “reality” shows would just go away. I’m not ready to give up just yet, but I have to admit I’m having a hard time waiting this out. I just can’t watch them. I’ll gamble on them, but I won’t watch. It kills me to see people like this get attention.
I’d like to see a remake of the movie Explorers, except when the aliens misinterpret life on Earth from TV waves, it’s not from sitcoms but rather from reality shows. And instead of being nice to the main characters, the aliens melt them out of contempt for these shows. But they won’t have to melt the River Phoenix character. He’ll just OD outside the Viper Room.
August 10, 2010 at 3:46 pm
Ok, Natalie Merchant.
August 10, 2010 at 6:10 pm
Do you consider “Cash Cab” to be a reality show?
August 10, 2010 at 9:06 pm
I do not. I consider that to be a very cheaply produced game show.
I think in order to be a reality show, you need to have some recurring characters, and the host doesn’t count.
Likewise, I wouldn’t call Intervention or Hoarding: Buried Alive to be reality shows — those are documentaries. (Or, if you must, “docudramas”).
August 10, 2010 at 10:28 pm
Do you consider a concealed speech impediment to have some sort of inherent entertainment value?
August 11, 2010 at 7:30 am
I feel like this is a trick question… but I think I know the answer… just give me some time… I can do it…
August 11, 2010 at 7:30 am
Wait! Is it Kasey?? Are we talking about Kasey?
No?
Crap. I have no idea.
August 11, 2010 at 8:26 am
If it’s concealed, it’s not an impediment.
August 11, 2010 at 8:49 am
Standing in wreckage of derailed train of thought. “Good point.”
August 11, 2010 at 8:54 am
Wait, are you now looking over my shoulder as I’m typing this morning’s blog? I don’t know what’s going on here. But I am currently talking about not knowing what’s going on. We’ll call it the theme of the day.